His Compassions Are New Every Morning

"Yet I call this to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness."

Lamentations 3: 21-23 

I have grown up hearing Lamentations 3:21-23 because it is one of my mom's favorite verses.  Since I have been walking this journey, these verses have continually been coming up reminding me of all that I have to be thankful for. I feel so blessed to be able to write this journal entry this morning. My experience after my second chemotherapy treatment has been considerably different than after the first. I attribute it first and foremost to the prayers that many of you have been saying for me. Then I attribute it the Sancuso patch that I started wearing 2 days before my treatment and will continue to wear for another day or so. I have also had several other drugs on hand to keep my nausea under control.  

We decided with this treatment that we would schedule it for earlier than the last time, so we were at the Infusion Center from 8:30 am until 1:30 pm. While we were there, we had a visit from one of my new friends from church that I have had the sweet opportunity to get to know because she walked a similar journey back in 2004. Her friendship has been a huge blessing to me and yet another one of God's compassions to me. Her visit seemed to make the time pass much more quickly. During my treatment and following the treatment, I felt very tired. I was prepared this time to just go home and rest in my bed with my anti-nausea medications on hand. When I started feeling some nausea at 3:30 pm after my treatment, I started using my medications regularly. Although I feel quite fatigued and nauseous at times, I am blessed to say that "devoid" is not the descriptor I would use. His compassions are new every morning! 

Another way that His compassions seem new every morning is how I seem to see "Pink" everywhere I turn.  I have been asked if I am "pinked out" and without a doubt, I am not!  It is funny because pink has always been one of my least favorite of colors but now have a newfound appreciation for it. I love that so many are joining in and sporting their pink to increase Breast Cancer Awareness this month. This weekend we have a team of 39 people including family, friends, neighbors, co-workers, and patients called Kara's Krew joining together to walk/run in the Susan G. Komen's Race for the Cure in Hunt Valley, MD.  We have currently raised $4,690.00 as a team (which far exceeded any of our expectations but we would love to break $5,000.00).  I want to say to everyone that has joined Kara's Krew or participated through donations that I am very humbled. You have no idea how much it blesses us that you would support our family in this way. It means so much because I love running, because it is a huge sacrifice for 39 people to get up early on a Sunday and drive up to Hunt Valley (in the chilly temperatures), and most of all, because I don't want others to have to walk this journey. I am very excited for Sunday morning and plan to have our entire family decked out in pink (there will certainly be pictures to follow)  In the meantime, I will be close to my bed resting and gaining my strength to be able to personally say thank you to everyone on Sunday.

Quicker Showers

Yesterday was a big day.  A day that could have been full of such agony and yet my Faithful God made it a day of joy.  It began with church and a trip to Target-my first big outing wearing a scarf on my head. My hair had been falling out quite a bit and I was getting pretty tired of cleaning up hair. So we decided yesterday was the day to shave it. We borrowed some clippers, set up a chair in the kitchen, had the kids gathered around and Blake shaved my head. We tried to make it a fun event and get the kids excited. The crazy thing is they didn't really care that much. They laughed a bit at first but after a few minutes they were on to something else. I love that about kids and love that I am walking through this while my kids are so young. Last night, my sweet girlfriends threw me a Hat and Scarf party.  We enjoyed delicious desserts, and I was showered with many hats/scarves picked out by the ladies that know me best.  

Many have asked me about the wig thing. I have thought it about it a lot and really just don't feel like I am a wig kinda girl. I realize that this is a very personal decision for ladies having to walk through this and my feelings about the subject are just that-my feelings. I am choosing to go the scarf/hat/bald route because I don't want to cover up what is happening to me. I want people to know, but more importantly I want them to know all that I am learning through it.  So maybe they'll ask! 

In Christ Alone

Today was another good hair day.  I don't know how many more of them I will have, but today I got to go see Megan (my hairstylist) again. The plan had always been to get one more really short cut before my hair falls out. So I walked in with a picture of a cute pixie cut on Natalie Portman and another picture of Alyssa Milano. And once again, Megan exceeded my expectations. I wonder if she ever imagined she would use her amazing skills with hair to minister to someone the way she has ministered to me. It is not a hairstyle I would pick for myself (I really loved the last haircut Megan gave me) but I am hopeful this will be an easier transition to my baldness for both me and the kids. Today I was reminded that it is just hair and this is just a season of my life, as well as a necessary part of my journey. 

Something else I was reminded of today and throughout my journey is that this life is not guaranteed. It seems like there are far too many friends that have had to walk the cancer journey. Just today I heard an update on a dear friend who has decided to stop receiving further treatment for Stage IV Brain Cancer. Fortunately this friend and his family believe that even in his surrender there is ultimate victory in Christ and heaven awaits. As I drove to my hair appointment this afternoon, I heard a song that I have heard and sang many times before. However, today the words touched me more than ever. The song is In Christ Alone and I especially love the following verse of the song:  

"No guilt in life, no fear in death,
This is the power of Christ in me;
From life's first cry to final breath.
Jesus commands my destiny.
No power of hell, no scheme of man,
Can ever pluck me from His hand;
Till He returns or calls me home,
Here in the power of Christ I'll stand."

If you have never heard the song or even if you have, click here to watch a video. 

Life As Usual, Just More Precious

Your prayers have been felt!  The last few days have been so incredible for me. It all began on Thursday evening when I was able to go on a pretty lengthy walk with one of my best girlfriends through our neighborhood. Then in the wee hours of the morning I was able to wake myself up to put my pre-order in for my new iPhone 4S (something I have been waiting for and saving up for since my birthday). Friday, I was able to meet some friends at the park with our kids to play and picnic. That evening we celebrated my dad's birthday with a delicious dinner that I was able to fully taste and enjoy. Then Saturday was rich with friends and traditions (as I mentioned before, two of my favorite things!) as we headed to the pumpkin patch and ate Five Guys for lunch at the park. Today continues to be great with a family walk to the park and lots of time outside in the yard. I have enjoyed sitting on my front porch (one of my favorite things about our house), and I even started reading The Help with hopes of completing it in time to go see the movie. I have loved watching my kids play. I especially loved watching Kalea hug all the pumpkins at the pumpkin patch! The weather has been amazing and my strength has returned. I haven't lost my hair yet so I am not reminded every time I look in the mirror. It is almost as though I have been able to forget I have cancer. 

The only thing missing this weekend was being with our church family this morning. This time period is when my white blood cells are predicted to be at their lowest, and therefore, we thought it would be best to stay home and watch online. It definitely isn't the same, but I am just grateful that I did not miss out on Pastor Greg's amazing recounting of the story of Baby Moses in the basket and how God used the faith of all the key characters to work out His perfect plan. I was reminded once again of why I need to just simply TRUST HIM!

 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those that love him, who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8:28

Devoid

I felt bad about the way I left my last journal entry and have been wanting to get back here to leave on a more positive note. Several things have kept me from getting back to writing. One of which is that I have been a little uninspired. I am trying to listen to the Lord's voice with each journal entry and not just write for the sake of writing. I am happy to say that the Lord started to put something on my heart yesterday and then completely confirmed it (as only He can) today.  So I want to take the chance to say thank you for reading what I write.  It has helped me capture this journey more than anything else ever could. I look forward to reading my journal in the future and being reminded of all that God has done during this time.  

Although I do not wish to dwell on all the negative side effects I have experienced with my first round of chemotherapy (nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, dizziness, fatigue, restlessness, reflux, minimal bone pain, burnt taste in the mouth, etc), I also don't want to minimize them too much because they are an important part of my journey and this journal entry. Other than listing the effects as I just did, it is difficult to entirely describe what those days following chemo were like. But if I had to use just one word to describe it, I would use "devoid". The definition rang so true as I read it to mean "completely lacking, destitute, empty". The severe nausea was debilitating to the point of being unable to sleep or even sit still. This was what made it obvious that we needed medical help. Fortunately, they were able to provide enough relief at the ER that I could rest. However, it left me with an incredible weakness that I don't believe I have ever really experienced before including following my surgery. 

Today I was reminded of a sermon series that was preached at Bay Area Community Church on the prophet, Habbakuk. I feel like the description given in Habakkuk 3:17 so adequately describes me in the days following Chemotherapy. "Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vine, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls."  I am so thankful to say that my strength as been renewed a little bit with each passing day but I felt like I was good for nothing, unable to care for my kids or even myself. I had no power of my own and was completely in need of the Lord's supernatural strength. I may have thought I was weary before, but I have truly never felt this lacking before. If my first experience with chemotherapy had been different, I might not be as intent on relying on the Lord's strength for the remaining cycles. I may have even entertained prideful thoughts that "my body stood up well to it" when the truth is, this entire journey has been about my spiritual submission to this circumstance that is completely out of my control. And what I really want is for Habakkuk 3:18 to describe me as it described Habakkuk, "Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be Joyful in God my Savior."

Today, I had a follow up with the Plastic Surgeon for another injection of saline into the expanders. Expansion days and the ones following are usually sore days, but relative to my post-chemo experience, it is nothing to complain about. I also had an appointment with my PT (Lymphedema Specialist) and that is always a relaxing time for me.  The best thing about today's appointments was that I actually drove myself to both.  It felt so good to hop in the car and go off on my own for a while. I was also able to take Koa out for a nice walk yesterday.  We walked to the park and talked, not about anything specific but it felt good to be able to do that with him. By the time we got back to the house, I was quite fatigued. Yet another reminder of how little control I have, to once be training for a half marathon and now to barely be able to walk to the park and back. But as long as the weather and my body allow, I plan to be out walking and rejoicing as I go. 

Chemo Day 1-2=NO GOOD!

Apparently, I fall into a category that is high risk for post-Chemo nausea. The strong correlation between pregnancy nausea and post-Chemo as well as my age make me more susceptible for experiencing severe nausea.  I kept hearing things like "You'll do great with it." and "The worst days are day 2-5". So when we finished up at 5:30 pm with my treatment and I started feeling pretty strong nausea by 9 pm, I was a bit surprised.  The nausea worsened to the point that there was no question we must go to the ER. I was hooked up to an IV and given anti-nausea medications which allowed about 50% improvement at most, but at least I was able to sleep. We were discharged from the ER at 4:30 am and it wasn't until about 12 noon yesterday that I started to feel like a human again. Blake went to work on about 1 hour of sleep and my parents and aunt took wonderful care of the kids at their house. My mom then took me to see Dr. Garg's Nurse Practitioner, Julie who prescribed an additional anti-nausea medication for me. I already had a few drugs to take but I think I was just beyond the point of return on Wednesday evening. They have a plan for my next round of Chemo but I must admit that I am scared to death considering what I just experienced. The goal is to keep me out of the ER for the future especially as I will be immunosuppressed.  Please pray for that as well as my continued improvement from this bout of nausea. I am slowly gaining strength but continue to be mostly in my bed. 

Above and Beyond

 "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men" 

Colossians 3:23

There is a tendency in all of us to just go through the motions of whatever job it is that we have been called to do.  However, I (as a Breast Cancer patient) have the unique opportunity to experience the amazing good that people are willing to do.  I am not just referring to my friends and family who have poured out so much love to me, but I am also talking about those that are working in positions that required their paths to cross mine over the last few months.  I think back to the compassion that I felt from the two sonogram techs, Jennifer and Amy as they told me that I likely had Breast Cancer at the very beginning of my journey.  I remember the commitment of my Nurse Navigator, Amy V. as she has made herself available to me at all hours of the day in an effort to let me know she is walking alongside of me from the beginning of this journey to its end.  I realize how completely blessed I am that I have Dr. Garg as my Oncologist because of his amazing blend of intelligence and compassion for his patients. Then I think about the wonderful staff at Asbury Community Christian Preschool who are not only taking extra care in helping our son, Koa as his mommy is going through some changes but also took the time to make me a quilt to comfort me during my chemo treatments. I recall our electrician, Troy who came out to help us with what we thought was an electrical problem but has committed to helping us get our Air Conditioning working again. And lastly, as I sit in my special warming chair receiving my first chemo treatment, I am so grateful for a staff of caring nurses at the Infusion Center that work to make me as comfortable as possible. I chose physical therapy because I wanted to spend time with people that had a need and to make a difference in their lives.  Because of this journey I have been on the receiving end of that and can’t express the effect that it has had on me. I pray that this is a lasting impression that I will carry with me as I return to work. I pray also that those reading this would be reminded of the importance of the position they hold (and grateful to have one). Whether you are a mom of young kids, a healthcare professional, or salesperson, you have the opportunity to minister to people no matter what line of work you are in.  

 As I mentioned, I am writing this as I receive my first Chemotherapy treatment. I realized that I failed to update CaringBridge about our decision. We decided to go with the most aggressive treatment possible, which is the TAC regimen. I will have six treatments every three weeks, which will go through mid-January.  My treatments are about 4 hours long and include various anti-nausea medications followed by the three Chemo drugs Taxotere, Adriamycin (“Red Devil”) and Cytoxan all given through an IV. For now I am grateful for a few hours to just sit and relax with Blake in the midst of a busy week of appointments.  As we continue along the journey, we will just pray for minimal side effects and that my body stands up well to it.