I remember her saying it so many times as I was growing up. "You won't understand until you have kids of your own." This week I have been talking a lot with my mom about their annual Christmas letter since it will no doubt have to include sharing about my journey. I have been thinking about how the last 4 months have been for my mom as she has had to watch her child go through something like this. Since I received my diagnosis, I have praised the Lord that it is me having to go through it and not one of my kids. Being a mom is the hardest job in the world not because of all the physical work involved (which there is plenty) but because of all the emotion involved. God created us with such strong emotions to begin with and then we are given these gifts that we just can't help but love with this amazing self-sacrificing love. When something happens to cause them pain whether physical or emotional, we're frantic. Then tack on the fact that we are powerless to take that pain away and that makes us completely desperate. I know my mom must feel desperate at times, like when she has to watch them inject those crazy chemo drugs into me (especially the bright red one). This makes me so grateful that she too trusts in a Faithful God.
My mom has taught me so much about relying on the Lord and praying for every detail of life no matter how small. She has also taught me so much about being a mom. She has always given so much of herself to make sure I know how loved I am. It has been no different as I have walked this journey. Since there are many times I am unable to care for my kids, my mom is constantly filling in the gaps. And seriously if it isn't me or Blake, I want it to be her. She spends every Tuesday and Thursday helping me with the kids and takes Koa to school so I can avoid a germ-filled preschool. She keeps the kids at her house from Wednesday through Friday on the weeks that I have chemo so I can get the rest I need. As I mentioned, she sits by my side at the infusion center as I'm hooked up to IV bags receiving my chemotherapy treatments. These are just the beginning of all the things my mom does to help me get through each day of walking this journey. More times than not when using the expression "You won't understand until you have kids of your own" it was when I was being denied something. But I am hoping she knows that I do understand. I understand what she has been feeling over the last few months and I understand why she does all that she does. More importantly, I want her to know how grateful I am for all of it.