Looking Back

“To Know God and to be known by Him-this is an indescribable blessing” – David Jeremiah from When Your World Falls Apart

I read this statement the morning after my last surgery, the final big step in my ten-month journey through breast cancer.  I try to imagine walking the journey without the truth of this statement and I shudder.  In the agonizing moments of lying on a table waiting to hear the results of a sonogram, I became acutely aware of what Jesus meant when he told us “in this world, you will have trouble.” (John 16:33) In the gut-wrenching ten months that followed, I became even more aware of what He meant when he said “I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says, Do not fear; I will help you.” (Is 41:13) In every step of the journey, in every encounter with a medical professional, and in every loving deed done to care for our family, His Presence and His knowledge of me were undeniable. 

Although it is not a journey I would have chosen for myself, I understand that it was part of God’s marching orders so that I would never forget a few precious truths.   When your path brings you to a bend in the road, it is crucial to have “your people” in place.  As we like to say, these are the people with whom you do life. The ones that are ready and willing to drop whatever they are doing to text, email, call, pray, care for your kids, cook you a meal or rub your back when you are overwhelmed with nausea. One thing is certain; we would never have made it through the last ten months without some amazing friends and family that know how to love us well. Another important lesson that cancer teaches is that as much as we strive to maintain control of our lives, we are always subject to what might be waiting at that next bend.  I have come to realize that the only preparation I can make is to believe that God and His Word are sufficient and we cannot be consumed. Lastly, cancer has the power to make us stare death in the face; but it also has the power to give us a longing for heaven like we have never known before.  I pray there is never a day that I don’t thank the Lord for His healing and the ability to be with my family on this earth. However, I am more aware that the best is yet to come. 

Today was my two-week follow-up with the plastic surgeon.  He is pleased with how the grafted tissue at the areola/nipples is healing. I was able to have some more stitches removed, and my daily dressing changes are slightly less involved. Although I had been noticing some accumulating fluid above the incision along my lower abdomen, I didn't expect that today's visit would include a rather large needle being used to drain it.  I am due back to see him again in another week with the expectation that it will most likely need to be drained again. I was also told to lay low for the next week because the greater the activity, the greater the fluid accumulation. I am struggling with feeling a bit discouraged that I have taken a few steps backward since I really had felt almost normal again prior to this surgery. It helps to see noticeable healing of the tissue every day and to be amazed that all this reconstruction can even be done.

Mother's Day

Walking the journey of diagnosis and treatment for breast cancer was certainly one of the most challenging things I have ever encountered in my life; however, there is another journey that far exceeds the difficulty of cancer for me. That is the journey of motherhood.  One would think that with the mother God gave me, knowing how to be a great mom might not be so hard to figure out.  The challenge for me lies in the constant struggle against being a lover of me.  Mother’s Day can be a bit tricky for me.  On one hand, I appreciate a day to let my own mom know how much she means to me but on another hand, I struggle with my own inadequacies about the mom I am to my kids.  Very little rivals the feelings I have for my kids, but there are days (and many of them) that I must consciously decide to deny myself for the sake of loving them.  It is hard to not feel entitled to 5 minutes of quiet so I can catch up with a girlfriend on the phone or finish eating my meal before it turns cold.  It often irks me to not be able to shop, exercise or date my husband whenever I want.  And more recently the time that I get to spend with the Lord reading and writing never seems to be enough. Then I realize (and cancer has helped me to realize) that this season with these two little people that rely on me for so much is indeed short.  There will be a time when I will long for them to crawl up into my lap at the dinner table, long to be soaked with bath water, and long to spend the time talking, singing and praying with them at night.  Because this time will inevitably come, I will continue to strive to be less of a lover of self and more of the mom that God has called me to be.  

This week marks what we know to be the final step in our ten month journey.  On Wednesday at 7:30 am, I will undergo the last surgery for the reconstruction process following the double mastectomy.  It consists of a nipple/areolar reconstruction using tissue that is grafted from my lower abdominal region.  The recovery from this procedure should be similar to the last procedure with the exception of a six-inch incision in the area where the grafts are taken.  I will be out of work again for 2 weeks and unable to run for another 6 weeks.  I will also be dealing with some pretty bulky dressings that must stay in place for 2 weeks to allow for healing of the grafted tissue.  We appreciate your prayers once again for protection and healing as we seek to finish well.  

Caroline's Beach Birthday

A friend of mine had a dream to celebrate her 40th birthday at the beach with a few of her closest girlfriends. So she saved her money, rented a 12 bedroom beach house in North Topsail Beach, NC for a week and invited every lady friend she has across the country to join her.  Cool idea, huh? If you know Caroline TeSelle, the idea makes sense. For as long as I have known Caroline (and her husband, Greg), they have always been about loving Jesus and loving people and in so doing they create community wherever they go. I was honored to be on the receiving end of Caroline's invitation and blessed enough that all the details seemed to work themselves out for 5 of us Marylanders to travel down to represent the Mt. Oak church era of Greg and Caroline's life. Four days away at the beach with a few of my closest girlfriends was amazing in itself, but that was just the beginning of "the amazing". Caroline brought together 22 ladies from 7 states that connected in ways that are only possible when Jesus is at the heart of it.  

Caroline has been one of my most consistent cheerleaders as I have walked my Breast Cancer journey.  She has supported me with emails, texts, handwritten notes, a post on her blog, and a personal TeSelle family visit (complete with TeSelle hugs). But perhaps the way she touched me most was in her asking her friends to send handwritten notes and cards to me in the mail. What kind of friend does that?  Oh yeah, the kind that invites all of her friends to the beach for a week. And what kind of friends actually do send cards to someone they have never met just because someone asks them to? Caroline's friends and now that I have met a few of them I am no longer surprised at all! The trip to NC gave me the opportunity to meet these friends of Caroline's that prayed for me and sent me such encouraging words. 

The time away at the beach with these ladies was rich with conversation as we all sought to know each other and learn how each of us knew Caroline.  As we all shared stories about the impact that Caroline (and Greg) have had on our lives, I realized that community like the kind I experienced under their leadership over 15 years ago which has continued on with some of our closest friends has played such an important role in my journey through cancer. God's provision came through those around us that have loved us so well. I am forever blessed that I never walked the journey alone.

Happy Easter

There is a common question I hear when meeting people that have heard my story, “Do they think the cancer is gone?” The only response I know to give is what my oncologist has told me that the surgery removed all the known cancer from my body and the chemo was the insurance policy that killed off any stray cancer cells.  It sounds like a pretty promising answer and one I am continually grateful to give.  Although there is always the potential for the cancer to return (a fact I must constantly give over in prayer), I feel as though I have been healed.  As David says in Psalm 30: 2 “ O Lord my God I cried out to You, and You have healed me. O Lord, You have brought my soul up from the grave; You have kept me alive, that I should not go down to the pit.”  He has preserved my life and with that I have a deeper understanding of His purpose for me.  He has given me greater understanding of my purposes as a wife, a mom, a daughter, a sister, a friend, and a physical therapist.  But even more, I understand my purpose as a child of God who stands in complete awe of His Lovingkindness.  I am always striving to better prepare myself to focus on the magnitude of what Easter means.  I realize that the last 8 months have been my preparation.  Just as He rescued me from physical death during this cancer journey, his death on the cross and resurrection were my rescue from eternal death.  What a blessed Easter day this has been! 

Hope Needs Memories

Early on in my journey, Blake had pink bracelets made that say "Hope That Never Fails".  When he asked me what I thought the bracelets should say I kept coming back to the two things I felt would get me through everything I was about to walk through: God's Unfailing Love for me and the Hope that my relationship with Him gives me.  Recently I read about Hope being future-directed but also in need of our memories. "If we expect to keep hope alive, we need to keep memory alive." (from When Your World Falls Apart by David Jeremiah). I think the original intent of the pink bracelets was that it might be a reminder to our friends and family of our need for their prayers.  But now every time I see a pink bracelet either on my own wrist or on the wrists of many of you who have faithfully supported us, it is a visual reminder of God's faithfulness through everything that has happened over the last 9 months and it strengthens my Hope for what is ahead.  

I have talked a lot about not wanting to forget what I have been through, and I have come to realize that one of the ways to make sure it doesn't happen is through support.  By this I mean finding ways to get involved in the lives of others who have or are walking similar journeys. On Wednesday evening, I was able to take part in the kickoff of the Ulman Young Adult Cancer Support Group in Annapolis.  Ulman Cancer Fund is an organization aimed at supporting young adults that are diagnosed with cancer.  It is also the same group that helped to provide Christmas gifts for our kids. They are well-established in Baltimore and Howard counties but a few of us are hoping to start something in this area as well.  At this meeting, I was also able to talk with Ashley who is a social worker at AAMC's Breast Center about the possibilities of serving as a mentor in the S.O.S. program.  The S.O.S. program matches survivors that have had similar Breast Cancer journeys (but been out of treatment for at least a year) with recently diagnosed patients to provide support.  A few of my friends and I have also been putting together "kits" of a few necessary items to give to ladies that we hear of that are going through Breast Cancer surgery. Please let me know if there is anyone that might benefit from meeting with and being supported by some other young adult survivors through the Ulman group or any Breast Cancer patients that are about to go through surgery and would benefit from one of our kits.

The possibilites of becoming involved with support were definitely an exciting part of this week but our week has been full of other exciting things as well.  We enjoyed a great visit with Blake's sister, Fay and her husband, Jim from Colorado.  It was really fun to see the kids light up from being with their Aunty and Uncle.  With the exception of my parents, the rest of our family is either in Hawaii, Colorado or California. We wish our visits with family weren't so few and far between, but we have learned to cherish these memories made with our sweet family.  Monday was also my first day back to work since my last surgery. I can't say enough what being at work does for me. I love being with my co-workers and patients. I have had a few opportunities to share my story with patients (it is often necessary to just cut to the chase so they don't have to wonder about my hats) and that too is always a good reminder of where I have been. 

Speaking of hair and hats, it is slowly growing back.  I wish it weren't so gray but I had a feeling it would be this way and I know it is just temporary until I can get back to my friend, Megan. My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back in as well but not before I lost every single one a month and a half after completing my chemo. I didn't expect that but I suppose the old needed to give way to the new. I have been taking Tamoxifen for almost two weeks now and so far, so good.  That is a huge answer to prayer. Other than a continuation of the hot flashes and some mild mood swinging, I seem to be without any significant side effects. My incisions are healing up nicely and I am getting used to the new me. Now I bide my time til April 11th when I can begin running again.  I will have one additional surgery in a month or two to complete the reconstruction, and then hopefully meet with the tattoo artist for the finishing touches. It is hard to believe the end is in sight.  

Never Once

Toward the beginning of my journey I had a few friends send me a song by Matt Redman called Never Once.  I listened to it then and was brought to tears, of course. This weekend I listened to it again and was brought to tears again but I was also incredibly inspired.  It made me think back on my entire journey thus far and the one overall message that my journey has taught me.  If someone were to read all of my journals, I hope the following would come through loud and clear.  We were not made for this world, which means that life is not guaranteed to be easy.  And when God allows hard stuff in our lives ("the Lands Between", "the Bends in the Road", "Disruptive Moments"), He is there to hold our hand through it and our relationship with Him is bound to never be the same.

I am preparing for the second phase of reconstruction this Wednesday morning.  As I mentioned, this is the procedure in which the expanders will be replaced with implants.  The pectoralis muscles and skin have been stretched over the last 6 months in preparation to hold these long-awaited implants.  Although I am quite excited for this big step, I am also struggling with having to put my trust in the plastic surgeon's hands to determine how my body will look from here on out.  Fortunately, I know the Lord also has a hand in how things turn out.  I definitely appreciate your prayers for this surgery on Wednesday and the next few weeks of my recovery. 

Making My Way Through "Normal"

Well life as "normal" has resumed.  Although my hours are short, I have really enjoyed the last two weeks of working again. I have found my way back to the gym and am feeling the burn of some good workouts. Work and exercise have also helped me get back to sleeping without the help of medication.  I look forward to maintaining this routine for two more weeks until I have my next surgery on February 29th. This will be the procedure in which the plastic surgeon replaces the expanders with silicone gel implants (we decided to go with silicone).  He says my recovery will be much easier than my last surgery. I will only be under anaesthesia for one hour, he will cut through the same incisions that were used during the last procedure, and I shouldn't need drains. No lifting anything for 2 weeks and no running for 6 weeks were the post-op instructions given to me so far.  One thing is for sure, I will not be sad to see these expanders go.  

Blake and I met with my Oncologist, Dr. Garg this week.  I got my congratulatory high five for finishing chemo.  It was great to be talking with him with chemo now in the rearview mirror.  He re-iterated that I would not need radiation since I had the mastectomy and my tumors were not greater than 4 cm and no lymph nodes were involved. In that moment of hearing him say that again, I was so grateful to the Lord for His protection against those things being true. We also discussed Tamoxifen and all of its wonderful side effects. He agreed that I could wait until after my surgery to start taking it.  Again he mentioned the main side effects as being hot flashes (which I already have from chemo) and mood swings.  I can deal with these if I could just be spared any nausea/vomiting. 

Since getting back into the swing of things, I have also noticed the worries of life creeping up on me.  I am determined not to let myself get back to the place I was before all of this started.  Blake and I are working on some practical steps we can take to keep this experience fresh in our hearts, and we appreciate your prayers in this area.  

I read this quote in When Your World Fall Apart :  

"We know not what the future holds 

But take each day as it unfolds 

The bitter with the sweet God blends

We wisely take what 'ere He sends

His dealings are in wisdom made, 

The warming sun or chilling shade.

On mountain top in the dell

Our Father doeth all things well."

-David B. Stewart