Day 11: My body is capable of way more than my mind tells me.

As a physical therapy student here in St Augustine, FL over 10 years ago, I had the privilege {some may argue with that word choice} of studying the human body. When I say study I mean cadavers, scalpels, formaldehyde and all. I absolutely loved it! It was thrilling to discover the way we were so intricately put together by a loving Creator. We specifically learned a lot about how the body heals. Throughout my years of working as a PT, I have experienced the capacity of the body to heal, and often I get to be a part of helping that process along. {I also know that the body doesn't always heal and sometimes the healing ultimately takes place beyond this life.} I have been taught it and have seen it, but apparently I needed my own body to experience it. 

As I walked through treatment for breast cancer, my body was subject to three surgeries that left me with three significant scars, eight injections of three different controlled poisons, one ER visit from severe nausea and vomiting, various prescription drugs with their own side effects and too many needle pricks than I care to count. When I look back on it all, I am amazed, more like overwhelmed, that my body feels as strong as it does today. There are mornings that I lie in my bed telling myself that I don't have it in me to run that extra distance or endure one more of those exhausting Insanity workouts. Then I remember all that my body endured last year and I can't help but “dig deeper”.

What is your mind trying to tell you that your body can't do?

Day 10: Watching the sunrise is one of my favorite things.

There is a bit of a commitment involved when getting up early to watch the sunrise. It requires slipping out from under those toasty blankets and tiptoeing through the house to grab your keys and such {such for me is yummy cup of coffee} while taking the chance of waking those slumbering babies much before their due time. But ever since I started taking in sunrises at the invitation of a few friends who had figured out the refreshment in it long before I did, I have not yet been disappointed or regretted getting up to go.

As I sit this morning watching the sun rise in a cloudy St. Augustine sky, I am reminded of one of my favorite truths about sunrises. If we take the time to seek out God's glory, we will always find it. Even with the clouds and oftentimes because of the clouds, there is even greater glory.

Such is true of nature, but isn't it also true of our circumstances?

“The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.” (Psalm 145:15, 16 NIV84)

Day 9: I long for the "endless hallelujah".

Illness and pain have a way of making you long for heaven like never before. I imagine losing a loved one does the same.

I especially look forward to:

• No more tears after Jesus wipes them all 
• Experiencing reunions between loved ones
• A heavenly body without torturing it with Insanity workouts
• Meeting and hanging out with the saints
• An end to time constraints
• Unlimited breathtaking sunrises and sunsets
• Standing in His presence and worshipping The King forever

One of my favorite songs

Day 8: I lacked compassion.

Life on this earth is hard. Bad things happen all the time…not just cancer and death because of cancer but other tragic things as well. I found that I used to hear about something bad happening to someone and would actually try to push it out of my mind. It was almost as if I couldn't handle expending the energy it would require to be emotional about it. I also felt completely powerless to do anything to change it, and that made me feel small.

Then I experienced my own hard thing and the compassion of Jesus in it. I realized that He was by my side through it all, feeling all my hurt and struggle. Not only that, but He was giving me His Word on a daily basis to sustain me. And isn't it our goal to be like Jesus?

So now when I hear bad news, I struggle with being too emotional because I identify with the hurt. I stop and pray because that is something know I can do. I can also provide support with some of the same words that most encouraged me.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” (Psalm 34:18 NIV84)

“You keep track of all my sorrows.

You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.” (Psalm 56:8 NLT)

Day 7: My husband is the wind in my sails.

We live right outside of Annapolis, MD where sailing is a huge sport and pastime for many people. As much as I appreciate it, especially when I drive over the bridge that takes us from Annapolis to our home, we don't sail. However, I think I understand it enough to know that without wind a sailboat can't get very far. Shortly after my diagnosis, my husband, Blake and I attended a weekend seminar on marriage. It was entitled The Art of Marriage, and it was a video series that included several authors and speakers offering tidbits of wisdom on marriage. When I heard one of them say, “Your spouse should be like the wind in your sails”, it stuck with me. It stuck with me because it summed up so well how I feel about Blake. I have written about this before here and here so you must forgive me if you have heard me sing the praises of my husband before.

Blake is not big on emotions. He doesn't show them. He struggles to understand them (although he has come a long way). And you certainly will never catch him making a decision based on them. When Blake and I met with my surgeon for the first time and I received my diagnosis, I froze. I was so overcome with emotion that I literally froze. But not Blake. He stayed calm and asked so many appropriate questions of the surgeon. I knew it would be true when she told me that his wisdom would serve me well as I walked through the next year of my life. I just didn't realize that his lack of emotion and wisdom would actually be what carried me through it and kept me going. The lack of emotion part may seem weird considering we were facing cancer, but what I mean is that we had to keep life as normal as possible for our kids so they would know that safety and security I spoke of yesterday. Blake also took great care of me and the kids as I recovered from all of my surgeries and chemo treatments. I love my hometown of Annapolis, and now I love that it constantly reminds me of how blessed I am to have a spouse that is truly the wind in my sails.

Day 6: Hair or no hair, I will always be "Mommy".

I had several fears about losing my hair which I am sure you will hear more about in my future posts. I think my greatest fear was that my kids would view me differently. I was so concerned they would see me as some kind of freak with my bald head. I imagined having to wear a scarf or hat even at home because I didn't want the kids to be uncomfortable.

In a desperate effort to make it more comfortable for them, we gathered them around and made a fun video of mom getting her head shaved. They got a kick out of it for about 3 minutes (maybe) and then they were on to something else. Occasionally we would talk about the silliness of it all, but truthfully they never seemed to think much about why I didn't have any hair.

During that time, I realized that I had projected my own fears onto my kids and caused myself needless anxiety. (It probably won't be the last time I do it either.) Their world was safe and secure as far as they knew it, and mommy's hugs felt the same regardless of how many hairs she had on her head. Thank you, Jesus. 

Koa and Mommy right after our shaving adventure 

Day 5: I love vacations!

Duh! You are probably thinking, “You needed cancer to teach you that?” Actually I knew it, but I took it for granted. That was until we didn't have a vacation for over a year so that we could focus on me getting well. This year we are definitely making up for it. 

As my mind is reeling with all that needs to be packed before we pull out of the driveway in a few days, I have to remind myself of this fact: Vacations are a time for rest! With the hectic lives we all live, sometimes it requires us to remove ourselves from the chaos before we can really allow for the rest we need. In fact, I am learning a lot about Rest and Risk from some friends who are also fellow 31 Dayers. 

On this vacation, I am specifically looking forward to:

• Reflecting on the Lord and all He has done for us
• Spending time with my husband in a very special place, the place where God brought us together
• Making sweet memories with our kids and sharing this special place with them
• Visiting with some of the community that has loved and encouraged us along the way

And all against this backdrop…

and this one...

Saint Augustine, Florida!!

Have you started planning your next vacation yet?