I had a bit of trouble sleeping last night. Some of this I attribute to some increased pain and difficulty finding a comfortable position. Most of it I attribute to being anxious. This morning we will meet with Dr. Garg and hear the results of the OncoType Dx test. As I mentioned before the results help us to determine if Chemotherapy is a necessary treatment for my breast cancer.
As I was lying in bed I couldn't help but think of Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane just before He was to go to the cross. Matthew 26:39 says, "Going a little farther, He fell with his face to the ground and prayed, 'My Father, if it is possible, may this cup be taken from me.' I have prayed this prayer this morning. I don't want to be nauseous (I had enough of that being pregnant). I don't want to lose my hair. I don't want to have tingling in my arms and legs. I don't want to be too fatigued to take care of my kids. I don't want to have to rely on other people for another 3-4 mos. I want to get back to running and getting stronger. Father, if at all possible, please take this cup of Chemotherapy from me.
The most important part of the verse, however, comes next. 'Yet not as I will, but as You will.' I have also prayed this for this morning. I know that only He knows what it best for my body. Only He knows what I still need to learn in this process. Only He knows if there are other people I still need to meet. Only He knows! That is enough for me because I know how the story ended after the Garden of Gethsemane. Jesus went to the cross for me so that I can have the hope that I have and death no longer has its sting.