Day 16

“Your eyes are windows into your body. If you open your eyes wide in wonder and belief, your body fills up with light. If you live squinty-eyed in greed and distrust, your body is a dank cellar. If you pull the blinds on your windows, what a dark life you will have! (Matthew 6:22, 23 MSG)

Cancer has a way of stopping you in your tracks. It makes you re-evaluate your life, the decisions you've made in the past and what you are holding onto in the present. What excites me about cancer, yes I did say excites, is how it has allowed me to view the future.

This concept is what Pinked Perspective is all about. While I was walking my journey, I was writing on the CaringBridge website to keep friends and family updated. I discovered that I would experience healing in the writing. It allowed me to put those whispers that I mentioned on Day 11 into words, as well as express my thanks for God's undeniable presence during that time. 

I realized that if I was able to see the Grace in the midst of such things as surgeries and chemotherapy, I would certainly be able to see the Grace in whatever the future holds as long as I am looking with “eyes wide in wonder and belief".

Day 15

I lost a lot of sleep after my diagnosis. Now at times, the Tamoxifen can make it hard for me to sleep. But I have always been a huge believer in the power of sleep. 

It is why I have been so rigid with my kids' schedule for the first several years of their lives. It is why I am in bed early at the first sign of a cold. It is why I constantly ask my patients how their injury is affecting their ability to get a good night's rest. 

It is also why I wanted to share this interesting article about the ability of Melatonin to fight Breast Cancer.

Melatonin: Never Ignore This "Wonder Hormone"
http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2013/10/10/melatonin.aspx

Day 14

So I made it into the club...the “Bloody Thumbs” club. I have heard many stories of those that have made it in before me. I guess it was only a matter of time with the way I would proudly boast the praises of my pink Otterbox as if it had some magical protective power.

The other night while walking along one of the brick roads of St. Augustine, my phone jumped out of my hand, face first. It wasn't the first time but for some reason my trusted case failed me this time around. For my fellow club members, you know that horrible feeling when it happens. I wanted to cuss. And then I wanted to cry.

My husband's words echoed in my head, “It's just a phone.” I tried to believe his words, but the fact that I was so upset made realize it is actually more than just an phone. In a lot of ways, it has become an idol for me.

I have come to rely on my phone for so many reasons. For example, I write almost all my blog posts in my DayOne journal on my phone before publishing them from my laptop. My camera allows me to capture those moments that no longer need a thousand words. Not to mention, my chemo brain relies heavily on the logistics of my calendar and reminders apps.

While none of these things are bad, it can become a slippery slope.  It is the first thing I look at in the morning and the last thing I look at before bed. It often feels like my access to the outside world, but isn't the contact I really desire to have. And perhaps more dangerous than anything else, it has the potential to steal away precious moments with my family.

I don't imagine I will be able to hang with my busted screen for long but am thankful for the reminder to keep first things first. In the meantime, pass the band aids!

Day 13

This pink house was where I called home for about 8 months while I completed my education. I am reminded that sometimes the blessing is in an experience we have that sets the course for the rest of our lives. That is how I feel about the time I got to spend from January of 2000 until April of 2002 living in St. Augustine, Florida.

This weekend, Blake and I are spending some time away in this very special place. As we drive around town, lie on the beach, visit with friends, and eat out at many of our favorite places, it is hard not to reminisce about our time here.

We each had moved to St. Augustine (him from Hawaii and me from Maryland) to earn a doctorate in physical therapy. Although, we started the program together in the same class, it wasn't until about a year into it that we started studying together and eventually realized we might be more than just study buddies. I'm pretty sure he always planned to return to paradise in Hawaii but somehow found himself settling with me in Maryland.

When we lived here it didn't always feel like the incredible vacation destination we now enjoy and enjoyed as a family last year. While in school, most of our days were spent either in class or stuck inside a Starbucks or cadaver lab studying til our brains felt like they would explode.

But now every time we return here, there is an excitement. Not only is it where it all began for the two of us, but many of our best friendships have ties here. It is one of those places that pulls you in with its charm, impresses you with it's sunshine, beautiful beaches and yummy food, and leaves you incredibly sad to leave. At least this is what it never fails to do for us.

A few of the highlights from this trip:

{Our bubble bath beach on the first day}

{a PINK sunset sky while out to dinner}

{SUP Boarding with Joanna}

{The Scines in their new home}

Day 12

{A friend sent me this, and it made me laugh.}

Day 11

Participating in the 31 Days challenge is more about the listening than it is the writing. I have found that when I set my mind to the task of writing consistently for a period of time, my heart rate immediately quickens and the discouraging voices in my head grow louder.

“Will my written words convey my (and God's) heart well?”

“Will it sound like I am saying the same thing over and over?”

This is why I try to focus on spending more time listening. Listening is a lot easier when you learn, as my friend Caroline has, to love Silence. 

Oftentimes, it is a whisper that comes in something I read, a memory I recall, a song I hear, or a glimpse of beauty I behold. Sometimes it is more of a tug from a heart prompting I feel. Occasionally, it is more of a scream that comes from the chaos our everyday life holds

.

Today it came in this:

This was the backdrop for our dinner date last night while enjoying a few days away in Saint Augustine, FL. Other than it being the current home to a few of our favorite people, it is where Blake and I met while studying PT twelve years ago. With views like this, it is not hard to understand why it is such a special place. 

Day 10

I have designated Thursdays this month to introduce you to the people that make my life such a gift.  Last week (and a few other times), I wrote about my husband, Blake. For today my son, Kekoa Li is my inspiration.

I have discovered that one of the neatest advantages to making a big deal of October as Breast Cancer Awareness month is the opportunity it provides for conversations with my kids about my cancer journey. The other day, I was asking my five year old son, Koa if he remembered when I was sick. He was quiet for a minute so I wasn't sure what was coming next. His only memory from that devastating, life-altering time in my life was a happy one sitting at the kitchen table with his baby sister eating a snack watching Daddy “cut” Mommy's hair. That feels like a huge mark for the win category!

See, as we navigated through the emotion of those first few days after diagnosis, we (especially my husband) went into full on protection mode. We were determined that they would not know the anguish were feeling. We were determined their world remain just as it had always been.

I pray that as they get older and their understanding grows, so will the depth of our conversations concerning those days.  

I wish that one day they grasp that in the face of such uncertainty, we had Hope because of a God that wouldn't forsake us. 

I plan to explain that while cancer has the power to steal away life on earth, our eternal life in heaven is secure with faith in saving Grace.  

I will use the example of the way my husband took care of me to explain how they must love and be loved by their future spouses. 

And I will re-iterate that because tomorrow is never a guarantee, how we love people today is of greatest importance.

For now, the sweet memory of Teddy Grahams and a haircut are just fine by me.